So this is what the kids call “sexting?”

I just now had about the most bizarre text conversation of my life. It started with a random incoming text and went down some pretty strange roads. I played along, as you will see, and “she” seemed to as well. Kind of NSFW in some parts, but whatever. Have a read:

[12:12am] Them: Hey baby girl.

Me: I don’t think this is who you think it is.

Them: Chelsea?

Me: Definitely not Chelsea

Them: Well can we still have some fun?

Me: What did you have in mind?

Them: Whips and chains?

Me: Not really my thing. How good are you with snakes?

Them: Depends, where do you want them?

Me: On second thought, forget snakes. Tell me what you were looking at the moment before you looked at your phone just now.

Them: A no parking sign. Tell me your secret fetish.

Me: Random interesting people texting me. As you can imagine, I’m doing pretty well right now.

Them: Would you like to choke me spank me and pull my hair?

Me: Yeesh! Do I at least get to buy you dinner first?

Them: Only if I can be daddys little cutie 😉

Me: “daddy”? What makes you so sure I’m a guy?

Them: Well chelsea was. But you can be my daddy either way.

Me: Chelsea is an odd name for a guy. Are you into guys with feminine names?

Them: Whats weird about chelsea? And ohm whats your name.

Me: Jeremy. And you?

Them: Sara.

Them: Where’d you go babe?

Me: Had to feed my cat. Anywho! Where were we?

Them: You were about to tell me how you were going to make love to me.

Me: Oh, right! Well, I would obviously make love to you in the impeccable style of Mad Men’s Don Draper: your hair in one hand and a whiskey in the other.

Them: No tell me how you’ll touch me.

Me: Expertly. Deftly. Leaving nothing to chance but the degree to which you would glimpse heaven in your raw ecstasy.

Them: I want you to throw me against the hood of the car, i want you to rip my clothes off, I want you to hit me and pound me while you bite and claw me.

Me: Done. What else?

Them: I want to lick you up and down until you say stop.

Me: I would never say stop. I would let you lick until your tongue went dry. Like sandpaper. I like it ‘rough’ ifyouknowwhatImean.

Them: Heres how its gonna be, im going to live in a cage in your room, and your gonna take me out for “walks”

Me: Is someone with you? Because that idea is way too devious for one person to hatch on her own.

Them: Im with my friend, we do everything together 😉

Me: Oh, I see what you did there! Look, I appreciate a threesome just as much as the next guy, but all this biting and clawing has got me tuckered out.

Me: What do you say we adjourn for turkey day and you text me whenever you get a craving for hood love, eh?

Them: Well alright, its not turkey day here, but ill text you another time babe.

Me: I look forward to it. Pleasant dreams ;]

[1:16 am] Them: Of you babe

I don’t really understand why this person persisted with the sexting route. I suspect alcohol/drugs, or maybe they too just wanted to have some ‘fun’ with the situation. Really though, a cage? Whips and chains? Why does S&M always have to get involved at some point? Also they totally missed/ignored the blatant Mad Men reference. I was really hoping to go somewhere with that.

I will of course post a followup if this person ever texts again. In the meantime, shoot me your thoughts at

PS. Random Sara just sent me a text obviously directed to someone else… again. The drunk sexting theory is looking more and more plausible by the second.

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